The Fear of Becoming Who You Truly Are
It is a heavy feeling to carry—the sense of dissonance between where you are and where your soul wants to be.
I’ve recently been working with the most wonderful, kind, sweet guy in a bid to help him let go of some old habits. He got off to a flying start and then, slowly but surely, all the great changes came to a halt. We chatted about whether or not he really wanted the change, or whether he felt he had to. He expressed that it might be the former.
From where I was sitting and having had the privilege of listening to him, I could see something more. It wasn’t just that he didn’t want to change (if he didn’t have to), there was a fear behind it. A fear of who he would be without the habit. I could see someone magical, but that wasn’t what he was seeing.
Most people think they’re afraid of failure. But I don’t think that’s actually what’s going on.
What I’ve noticed both in myself and in the people I work with is that the deeper fear is something else entirely. It’s the fear of what happens if you actually become who you are. Because staying small, keeping those habits or not pressing go on your dreams can feel protective. Safe even.
If I don't fully try, I can't fully fail. If I keep parts of myself hidden, they can't be rejected. If I downplay what I want, I don't have to face how deeply I actually want it.
So we learn to live in half-measures. We become careful with ourselves. We soften our opinions before anyone else can reject them. We pretend not to know what we want long after some deeper part of us already does.
I think many of us have been doing this for so long that we don’t even recognise it anymore. It just feels like our personality. Like being humble. Easy-going. Realistic.
Trust me, I’ve been there, and at times I still am.
But there comes a point where the self-minimising stops feeling like protection and starts feeling like a slow kind of suffocation. I know that feeling well, and I’ve had to remind myself that the greatest tragedy is not failure, but living a life disconnected from who you truly are. We are here to become vessels for the fullest expression of our souls.
The hard part of growth is that it doesn’t always feel expansive when it first arrives. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable. Exposing. Deeply unfamiliar.
The unfamiliar but beautiful view from out backyard at sunset
The nervous system doesn’t automatically interpret “better” as safe. It interprets familiar as safe. Which means there are moments where becoming more visible, more honest, more fully yourself can feel terrifying, even when it’s exactly what your soul has been asking for.
And I think that’s where so many people turn back. But because expansion asks us to stop abandoning ourselves the moment things get uncomfortable. To stop collapsing back into smaller versions of ourselves just because they’re familiar. To let ourselves be seen without immediately apologising for it.
There’s grief in realising how much of your life has been shaped around not being too much for other people. Too emotional. Too ambitious. Too sensitive. Too alive.
But there’s also something deeply liberating about no longer organising your life around other people’s comfort. About finally allowing yourself to take up the space your life has been quietly asking you to inhabit all along.
Maybe healing isn’t becoming someone new. Maybe it’s learning how to stay with yourself as you become more of who you already are.
If you’ve been living small, it’s time to expand your wings. here’s some questions to help you on your way.
✨ Where in my life am I still making myself smaller?
✨ What feels risky about being fully seen?
✨ What part of me is asking for more space right now?
✨ What might become possible if I stopped abandoning myself the moment things felt uncomfortable?
Have a winning day,
Bec x